I write much better than I speak. Emotionally, at least. I can speak well about facts, but emotions are an entirely different story. It takes a lot of courage to say what you feel and for me, I've almost always found myself to be lacking in this regard. I care way too much about what other people think, and it has proven to be to my detriment.
When I think about the disappointments in my life, almost all of them stem to not speaking, or not saying what's really on my mind. That job's not right for me because it's surely meant for someone else. This relationship can't work because surely he would have shown interest. They don't care about my opinion because surely they would have asked. They don't want me there because surely they would have invited me.
Sometimes, when I do manage to speak up, it does more harm than good because it's been so pent up that it comes across as forceful or angry instead of measured, honest or sincere. I've worked myself up so much to say something that I end up going overboard. Seeing the rightful negative consequences, I retreat further back into my people-pleasing shell. And while this heals the opinions of others, it continues to harm me personally.
What to do? How does one go about finding the balance? How does an empath stop feeling and predicting the emotions of others?
A very wise friend and colleague suggested today that I need to speak up and advocate for myself, because if I don't advocate for myself, who else will? I believe every word of it, I agree with every word of it, I just wish I could convince myself to follow through with this notion. I need to start speaking. Out loud. In person.
As much as all my disappointments can point to me not speaking out, a few of my greatest triumphs have come from being truthful and brave. I got the job. I saved that friendship. I followed my heart.
So if my own personal history shows me this correlation, why do I continue fighting myself? Why do I still let it stand in my way? I know what I want - I just need to find the courage to say it.
