I can't say I'm a fan of online dating - app based or web-based, it just never goes anywhere.
Now, we can look at this as though I’m sitting on a therapist’s couch and ask why. And I could tell you I’m scared - because being vulnerable is scary, and even more so when you end up getting hurt. And I could tell you that I’m content and I feel safe in my current life, and letting someone in could damage that sense of security and contentment.
But what frustrates me to no end is when you're having a great conversation with someone - really vibing and connecting with favorite movies or personal stories or whatever it is that you two connect with. And then, in the middle of a conversation about whether the Star Wars Prequels or Sequels are better, you get hit with the ultimate online dating question:
“What are you looking for?”
Oof how that question gets under my skin! Any connected feeling I have with someone almost instantly shuts down in my head when I get it. And it’s unfair really, because it’s a proper question. I’ve struggled with this for years: do I just not know what I want? Is it fair to anyone that I can’t answer this question properly? Perhaps I don’t want anyone and that’s why I can’t answer. Perhaps I only want someone unattainable and that’s my failing? Oh, I have thought on this for hours on end, trying to challenge myself to figure out what exactly it is I wanted, and then it hit me.
What do I want? I want people to stop asking me that question.
You’re laughing, whether it be out loud in enjoyment or silently in jest. You’re thinking I’m naive, or foolish, or immature. I’ll admit, this is a very basic way to put it, so let me explain.
I believe in fate, and I believe in soul mates. I believe that connections are fostered, not manufactured. And while dating sites and apps are now the new normal, and they certainly help with being a busy professional, they can’t help but feel like everyone on there is actively searching for something or someone. And if they don't find *exactly* what they're looking for, they move along. The question “what are you looking for” comes across like a job interview. In fact, when you google "what are you looking for" your first hits are always job related.
And look, I’ve read the self-help books, I’ve dived into dating coach YouTube and I get that fairy tales aren’t a thing; that if you’re truly wanting to have a life partner that you need to ask these questions early on so you don’t waste your time.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m sorry, I just can’t get over the business exchange of it all. It feels too Victorian-era-dowry-dependent. And look, I am far from a relationship expert; I am the Marianne Dashwood of Sense and Sensibility and perhaps it’s just that I haven’t had my rude awakening yet. Or perhaps I am naive and still hoping for a non-manufactured fairy tale of a story. Maybe I’m still holding on to the simplicity of wishing on a star.
And you’re right, maybe I am naive and childish and immature. But we meet new people every day and they become a part of our life story; whether that’s for a moment, a day, a year or a lifetime is up to the universe. I cannot fathom love and relationships being a business decision, and, perhaps to my detriment, I refuse to abide by this shift in society.
