Saturday, July 2, 2016

Jumping off the Precipice

I love heights, but I have a fear of falling. That's why you'll always find me on the observation towers of iconic buildings, in a hot air balloon, roof top restaurants and even the window seat on an airplane; you'll never find me actually jump out of one, or base jumping, or cliff diving.

There's this feeling you get when you're high up, or looking at stars or multitudes of lanterns--the feeling of endless possibilities. Thousands of people down below you, each with their own story. Hundreds of places within one glance, each emanating countless opportunities. Each star represents a hundred wishes and each lantern has a story. There's nothing so awe-inspiring than when you're in this one spot standing still among boundless prospects--

--and nothing so terrifying.

In my head I keep telling myself I'm on the precipice of change. Have you ever been at that point where you are overcome by a sense of destabilization? Something is about to change, and it will throw me off balance. I have no idea what it could be, or even more so, where it'll leave me and that's what scares me.



When I last visited Chicago, my friends took me to the Sears Tower where I was insistent on going to the Sky Ledge. I had no qualms about a sheet of glass being the only thing between my body and the ground. I felt secure and at ease looking at the city beneath me. I was in a glass box, safe from falling, and safe from not knowing where I'd land. When my friends questioned the possibility of plummeting, I smirked and said "Well, at least it would be a good story."

So much in my life thus far has been decided based on knowing the outcome - I chose the high school my friends were going to instead of following my heart to the theatre magnet. I chose the cheaper college closest to my boyfriend at the time, and where more of my friends were going, instead of aiming for a writing career at Loyola Chicago. I chose a career in Tourism over a degree in Public Relations because it was what I knew. I went to work for Disney because my whole life was there, so why should my career be any different? I stayed at home because the amount of possible outcomes elsewhere frightened me.

I never jumped. I was always content to keep my view, in my little glass box, watching others continue on, take risks and live to tell amazing stories.

What's fascinating about being on a precipice is that if you don't jump, if you don't embrace it, someone or something is surely going to push you. The choice becomes clear - when do you start taking your life into your own hands, taking risks and living outside that comfort zone?

I'd like to say I have a plan. I can't go to the grocery store without a plan, so I'd like to say I have one. But search this blog and you'll find me talking about moving to Chicago, or studying for the LSAT (both also comfort choices as I know people in Chicago and greatly enjoy LSAT theory). I have plans, I just spend too much time planning, I never act on them.

I don't know what's coming. I don't know if I'm going to jump or be pushed. But I'd like to say that one day I'll make the leap. One day I'll take a chance and leave the familiar. I sincerely hope that day is soon.

I'll close with my inner church girl reciting her favorite phrase: "Let go, and let God." You don't have to be religious to get the meaning - let go, give up control, let yourself drift through the sea, flurry in the wind. Trust. Don't be afraid.