Finding the Courage to Speak Out

I write much better than I speak. Emotionally, at least. I can speak well about facts, but emotions are an entirely different story. It takes a lot of courage to say what you feel and for me, I've almost always found myself to be lacking in this regard. I care way too much about what other people think, and it has proven to be to my detriment. 

When I think about the disappointments in my life, almost all of them stem to not speaking, or not saying what's really on my mind. That job's not right for me because it's surely meant for someone else. This relationship can't work because surely he would have shown interest. They don't care about my opinion because surely they would have asked. They don't want me there because surely they would have invited me. 

Sometimes, when I do manage to speak up, it does more harm than good because it's been so pent up that it comes across as forceful or angry instead of measured, honest or sincere. I've worked myself up so much to say something that I end up going overboard. Seeing the rightful negative consequences, I retreat further back into my people-pleasing shell. And while this heals the opinions of others, it continues to harm me personally. 

What to do? How does one go about finding the balance? How does an empath stop feeling and predicting the emotions of others?

A very wise friend and colleague suggested today that I need to speak up and advocate for myself, because if I don't advocate for myself, who else will? I believe every word of it, I agree with every word of it, I just wish I could convince myself to follow through with this notion. I need to start speaking. Out loud. In person.

As much as all my disappointments can point to me not speaking out, a few of my greatest triumphs have come from being truthful and brave. I got the job. I saved that friendship. I followed my heart. 

So if my own personal history shows me this correlation, why do I continue fighting myself? Why do I still let it stand in my way? I know what I want - I just need to find the courage to say it. 

Countdown to 33

I know body dysmorphia is a thing, but is age dysmorphia? Honestly, if you told me I was 50 and I was at this point in my life I would fully believe you. It's not that I think my life is fulfilled, nor that I think I'm satisfied where I am right now, just that I  feel that old. I've just about reconciled myself to the picture of what my future is looking like, and while not what I had planned, it's not awful. I can see myself clinging tight to family, enjoying nights in watching Netflix or ordering in, becoming an aunt to my friend's children and spoiling them rotten. This is the life that looks to be my future, and while I don't hate it, it's not what I wanted. 

But I'm in luck, because this year is going to be different. See, 33 is somewhat of a lucky number in my family. It was my grandfather's lucky roulette number, as well as my mother's. Since both my grandparents' passing I've seen this number as a source of comfort when it pops up. There's something special about 33, and for me it's become the new 21. In fact, the same month I turn 33 is the month Walt Disney World turns 50. I'm just looking ahead for next year, when I turn 33 because I am certain, nay, I am determined to make that just about the best year of my life. 

So what does that have to do with my birthday today? 32. It's a countdown. Try as I might, wishing on stars just doesn't do it, and if I want 33 to be this magical year, there's some work I need to put into this coming year. I'll spare you the diatribes of dieting/exercising/etc. This isn't meant to be a new year, new me. This is meant to be a start. Because the year I turn 33, and the 12 months following, there are some realistic dreams I have control over that I would like to make come true. 

1 - Be settled. I don't know where, but my hope is that wherever I am October 2021 becomes home. I would like that to be Orlando, but with the current job market in my industry, I do not know if it's reasonable to keep waiting to be home. 

2 - Be organized. Have a routine. Be neat. My best days off are the ones spent enjoying the breeze because I don't have to make sure my chores are done. I eat healthier when I have meals planned for the week. I sleep more soundly when I'm not putting something off until the next day. 

3 - Be happy, or rather, stay happy. I put up a pretty good front of being an optimist, but so much of that is just convincing myself that everything will be ok. So I commit to enjoying the small things that make life fun, and I refuse to give up even the most childish things (I'm looking at you Tangled) because you don't let go of that which makes you happy. 

If I can get to a place by October 6, 2021 where I have all three of these tenets down, I know I'll be in a good spot to have the best year ever. And really, who knows what I might find along the way. 

And, to be honest, if you want to make God laugh, make plans, so really, who knows what life will bring? But I am thankful to have another year, and I am thankful that 33 is still on the horizon. 

The Business Decisions of Online Dating

I can't say I'm a fan of online dating - app based or web-based, it just never goes anywhere. 

Now, we can look at this as though I’m sitting on a therapist’s couch and ask why. And I could tell you I’m scared - because being vulnerable is scary, and even more so when you end up getting hurt. And I could tell you that I’m content and I feel safe in my current life, and letting someone in could damage that sense of security and contentment. 

But what frustrates me to no end is when you're having a great conversation with someone - really vibing and connecting with favorite movies or personal stories or whatever it is that you two connect with. And then, in the middle of a conversation about whether the Star Wars Prequels or Sequels are better, you get hit with the ultimate online dating question: 

“What are you looking for?” 

Oof how that question gets under my skin! Any connected feeling I have with someone almost instantly shuts down in my head when I get it. And it’s unfair really, because it’s a proper question. I’ve struggled with this for years: do I just not know what I want? Is it fair to anyone that I can’t answer this question properly? Perhaps I don’t want anyone and that’s why I can’t answer. Perhaps I only want someone unattainable and that’s my failing? Oh, I have thought on this for hours on end, trying to challenge myself to figure out what exactly it is I wanted, and then it hit me. 

What do I want? I want people to stop asking me that question. 

You’re laughing, whether it be out loud in enjoyment or silently in jest. You’re thinking I’m naive, or foolish, or immature. I’ll admit, this is a very basic way to put it, so let me explain.

I believe in fate, and I believe in soul mates. I believe that connections are fostered, not manufactured. And while dating sites and apps are now the new normal, and they certainly help with being a busy professional, they can’t help but feel like everyone on there is actively searching for something or someone. And if they don't find *exactly* what they're looking for, they move along. The question “what are you looking for” comes across like a job interview. In fact, when you google "what are you looking for" your first hits are always job related. 

And look, I’ve read the self-help books, I’ve dived into dating coach YouTube and I get that fairy tales aren’t a thing; that if you’re truly wanting to have a life partner that you need to ask these questions early on so you don’t waste your time. 

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m sorry, I just can’t get over the business exchange of it all. It feels too Victorian-era-dowry-dependent. And look, I am far from a relationship expert; I am the Marianne Dashwood of Sense and Sensibility and perhaps it’s just that I haven’t had my rude awakening yet. Or perhaps I am naive and still hoping for a non-manufactured fairy tale of a story. Maybe I’m still holding on to the simplicity of wishing on a star.

And you’re right, maybe I am naive and childish and immature. But we meet new people every day and they become a part of our life story; whether that’s for a moment, a day, a year or a lifetime is up to the universe. I cannot fathom love and relationships being a business decision, and, perhaps to my detriment, I refuse to abide by this shift in society. 

And Then I Don't Feel So Bad

As has become a quarantine staple, my family and I were playing Murder Trivia Party on Zoom this week, or “Murder Room” as we fondly call it. It has a low-key hotel theme and starts every game with “This is your wake up call, prepare to die”, so, obviously I’m a fan. 

Anyway, one of the questions in this week’s installments asked to pick out which of the multiple choices were not part of the song “My Favorite Things” from Sound of Music. Well, naturally, this got me humming the song, and it’s been stuck in my head. 

In The Sound of Music, Maria sings this song with the Von Trapp children when there’s a storm outside and their afraid. If you don’t know it, or remember it, the song includes such items as whiskers on kittens, brown paper packages tied up in string, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, and wild geese flying with the moon on their wings. I remember singing this as a kid without really knowing what the words meant, more or less just repeating them. 

But, with no quarantine end in sight for me, it certainly still feels like a storm is brewing outside, so I thought I’d sit down to list of few of my actual favorite things, for days when it's particularly rough. 

• Purple Anything
• Hot Chocolate
• Autumn Leaves
• Sunsets
• Fresh Flowers
• Picking Fruit - like apples or blueberries
• Disney magic
• Lanterns and fairy lights
• A good theme
• Starbucks
• Make Up
• A bold lip color
• Flowy Dresses
• Calligraphy
• Tapping Sounds
• Inaudible Whispers
• A favorite book that feels like an old friend
• Peonies
• Prickly Pears
• Middle Eastern Cuisine
• Fun food presentations when dining at home
• Live theater
• Hiking
• Well-organized excel sheets
• Coffee house music
• Songs that make you think and feel at the same time
• Reminiscing
• Two-sided conversations where both parties listen and no one argues
• Photography / Photo Editing
• Creative Outlets
• Geeky Fandoms like Harry Potter and Star Wars
• Starry Nights spent with either good conversation or reflective silence
• Christmas Traditions and Decorations
• Non-preachy talks about God, the universe and fate
• Coffee Cozies
• Fireworks
• Walking around theme parks just talking
• People watching at airports
• Sports Stadium Atmospheres 

A Love Letter to Travel

It was a fairly warm November evening in Orlando. We were sitting on the outdoor patio of the Lobby Bar at the Four Seasons Resort, having just unpacked and settled into our room. The air was a pleasant mix of anticipation and serenity. We spent the next few hours catching up, sipping cocktails, sharing our hopes for the next few days and reveling in each other’s company.  

It was a rainy afternoon in San Francisco. We walked a bit separately with our umbrellas at Golden Gate Park watching the waves crash against the rocks. The rain kept other tourists away and it was easy to get lost in one’s own thoughts. It was the perfect moment of reflection on lost opportunities and life changes. This was the place I found clarity in choosing to move away from home for a bit.  

It was a gorgeous morning in Cuyahoga Valley National Park, and after exploring a couple of trails and seeing the waterfall, we chose to make an adventure out of the day. We embarked on a hiking trail that unexpectedly continued downward. With every step I saw the peak getting higher and had a moment of fleeting doubt we would ever make it back up. Hours later we were at the top of the trail, fully invigorated by the scenic views and endorphin-inducing exertion.  

These are the moments of travel I miss most. With the country on lockdown, there’s increasing conversation on what constitutes essential travel. One certain fact left out of these talks is that travel itself is essential. This is not intended to be an argument to open up the country (#stayhome), but rather a love letter to those finer moments in travel, the important role they play in our lives, and the effect of the absence of these moments in the current state of affairs.  

I want to be clear. I said travel – not vacation. I chose some very specific examples above that included a trip home, a trip across country and a trip for a wedding. One example was at a luxury resort, two were at public parks. This needs to be understood – the ability to have these experiences is not limited by your location or your wallet. Travel is another word for journey, and journey often refers to personal development. This is my argument - that through travel we develop, and without it out life is limited. 

Some travel across the globe, others across the state and still others only across town. We travel for business, for vacation, to see old friends or to meet new acquaintances. As stated above, to travel, for whichever reason, is to develop. We come across new experiences, new places, new people and thus we enrich our lives. We seek change from the ordinary and discover new outlooks and horizons. Through travel, we grow. 

Some of my favorite moments of travel are those spent on my own, looking out the window either at clouds in the sky or scenery on the road. The moments spent listening to the ocean or coming across a particularly pretty stream or field of flowers, or staring up at a night sky with stars unseen around city lights. These moments give me time to pause and often lead to some sort of wondrous daydream. I can tie most of my enlightenments to these moments, decisions that may have never come to pass if I stayed home. 

My other favorites moments are the precious times spent with my loved ones - friends from grade school, family members I see only on occasion, former co-workers turned friends reuniting for the first time in years. How great it is to see them in their element, or to talk as though no time passed at all. With recent events we have cheered the digital revolution of Zoom Calls and Google Hangouts as a way to do this without travel, but for me, there is no replacement. A Zoom Call will never replace the feeling of warmth when you hug an old friend, or the contagious laughter that fills the room when a group of friends in their 30s reminisce about high school. 

I could argue that the loss of travel has created a noticeable detriment in society. As we become hangry when we go too long without eating, so too has society grown more irritable with the loss of travel. And just like a hangry person demands food in almost an animalistic sense, so too has society demanded new experiences and places. We are limited to our immediate locale and are thirsting for that personal development that only travel can satisfy. As the country reopens, we see this clearly. Beaches are busy. Resorts are coming alive again and people are looking for their next destination. 

So I urge you, whoever you are and whatever your circumstances - in a post-pandemic world, do not take travel for granted. Seek those new experiences, those interactions, those reunions, those enlightenments - soak up all the development you can. Explore. Learn. Grow. The world outside your personal circle is waiting for you. 

Heart Examination

I think it's time I start taking better control over my narrative. 

I was getting an echocardiogram today with a less than friendly tech today, and as I laid in the dark room, on the hard table listening to my own heart I started to reflect a bit more of my life choices. What brought me to this point where I'm only 31 years old, alone, and faced with so much uncertainty?

I was always a bit of a romantic. I suppose that's the Libra in me. Sure there's the Disney aspect of it all, but it's more than that. First there was all the Jane Austen film and literature and sweeping prose with chemistry that just leaped off the page. Then the usual rom coms with moments that make you swoon. I could watch Billy Crystal declare his love to Meg Ryan on New Years Eve hundreds of times and still tear up every time. I was your typical dreamer in love with the idea of love. I would watch these films and know with certainty that I'd have my own story one day. 

Fast forward through high school, college and a couple heartbreaks later and I was ready to maybe embrace the single life better. I had a lot of self-doubt and fell victim to the classic - how can anyone love me if I don't love myself? And sure, it was sad to think about. Though I was always happy to see my friends find their stories, deep down there was the constant nagging that I would never find my own. I convinced myself I found a new love - work. And I focused on my career and my personal aspirations. And I did well. 

I didn't give up on my love stories just yet, but I did lean more towards movies with realistic endings. La La Land, Casablanca - I mean, who isn't agreeing with Rick that Ilse needs to get on that plane, that they can't be together for the greater good? I decided that this was the story I was ok with - better to have loved and lost, etc. 

Anyway, eventually I gave up on the love stories. For the past year it's been comedies, nostalgia, true crime and reality competition shows. With the change in entertainment came more of a life change. I was confident on my own... and I was funny. Or at least I thought I was funny. And I plate dishes really well - can't promise they taste good - but they sure looks delicious! I feel like I accepted my fate and that, for the most part, life didn't suck. 

And then quarantine. And then health issues. And then I find myself on that cold echocardiogram table with a less than friendly tech listening to the sound of my heart and wondering why I gave up. Why did I give up? Why did I accept that I was unworthy of my own story? Why did I allow myself to be ok with a life less than I had dreamed? 

And I started thinking again of the romantic in me. The one who used to belt out duets in cars on the way home, who would watch the Disney fireworks knowing that the feelings I had were proof of the magic in this world. Or the girl who saw it was raining outside and wanted to go dancing? What happened to the girl who play acted scenes from Pride and Prejudice when no one was home to see, and looked up at moon with certainty that her crush was looking at the same moon?  

The truth is - I don't know that she can come back. But when quarantine is over, I'm sure as hell going to try. Because no matter how low I think of myself at times - no one deserves to be alone in a dark room listening to their own heart and wondering what went wrong. 

Confessions of an Agorophobe

You may or may not know that I have agoraphobia. When I was younger I thought this best described my fear of crowds - but it’s not just that. It’s a fear of being in a space - usually in public - where I feel the potential for embarrassment or having no escape. This is why I study subway and metro maps meticulously before visiting a new city, and why I usually prefer to discover new places first with someone else before venturing on my own. It’s also why I spend the majority of my days off either at my apartment where I feel most safe or at a movie theater where I can escape into a new story. It’s why I spend an outrageous amount of money on uber instead of taking the train and walking to work. It’s why I don’t enjoy online dating, which typically leads to one of these possible scenarios. 

This usually surprises people. I’m naturally an extrovert when it comes to secure settings - such as meeting friends of friends or any new work environment, or new co-workers. I also give the appearance of being fairly independent - the champion of going to movies and theme parks on my own. 

But each day is a struggle. I wish more than anything that people would understand this - it’s not that I don’t want to go out and explore. I love seeing new places and meeting new people - I just can’t work up the courage a lot of times to face them. Today for example: I spent a good hour convincing myself to leave the apartment today. I needed to get some things from the store, and I tried to rationalize not getting them. Finally, I convinced myself to leave. I put on the most comfortable outfit, left without putting make up on, and was equipped with my Kindle and earbuds - my anxiety survival kit. 

Then, about 15 minutes away from my stop on an hour-long journey, a man comes up to me - mind you, the train had plenty of people on it, and he passed quite a few of them to get to me. He showed me an address for a lawyer on a court document and asked where the address was. Still unfamiliar with the surrounding areas, I apologized and told him I had no clue.  He started to get upset, which is when I noticed his black eye and popped blood vessel that seeped into the whites of his right eye. Thankfully, a nice gentleman sitting across from me offered to help, and I attempted to go back to my book. The first man, however, then started talking about the police... about the president... and about the downfall of the country. Then the gentleman who had helped him got a phone call, and his attention was back on me. He started calling me “Baby” and took out a deck of cards to try to explain how to play poker (...which I know how to play...). Mind you, I said nothing. He was intimidating and just kept staring, he wouldn’t look away and he sat too close. I was paralyzed. I clutched my backpack in front of me and started to look around to see if anyone could help. Everyone just looked away... so much for the human bond. I felt a panic attack starting and only by the grace of God did I avoid it when the man’s friend called him away to a different car. He said “Bye Baby” and my damn Hospitality brain told the bastard to have a good day. 

And now, I’m fairly certain, I’m going to be even more disinclined to take public transport - even more disinclined to leave the apartment. And you can say that it was just one incident, to not let him win, to stay strong, to ignore the opinions of everyone else- and I believe you, and I tell myself the same thing - but this will just be added to the equation next time I have to fight myself to have a semblance of a life.